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Saturday, February 14th, 2004
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every year this time comes, when i see everyone showing love for each other. it warms me inside to see how much people care for each other. just wish i had someone to share it with. </3
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, February 4th, 2004
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i havent updated in a while. nothing special has happened tho. i stand out there on that picket line, i got a new job tho, and my attempts at getting this damn band starte are proving to be useless. All i want to do is fucking rock out. matt castles birthday party was pretty fun. i got super drunk....again. i will have to say that adam castle is the funniest person to get fucked up with ever!!!!. the kid is amazing. i still cant seem to get tickets to afi this month, and im really bummed about that, but all in all, ive been doing pretty well. be cool and leave me comments so i feel special. <3
- the malk
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Friday, December 5th, 2003
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i cant take these bandages,
because they'll do nothing for me.
these open wounds will never heal,
a scar forever forming.
dont ever turn your back on me,
ill use this knife like you once did,
pierce it straight into your heart,
ill hear it shatter in 1000 pieces.
i bled for you so many times,
each time getting harder to breathe,
now its your turn to bleed for me,
i desire those ear piercing screams.
this dream, however, will stay just that.
the love inside is still growing strong,
the pain it's caused is tearing the insides,
i just want to fucking scream.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, November 13th, 2003
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we watched the world fall,
they had nothing left,
the ashes floating softly as snow.
Come play with me in this winter wonderland,
you can barely hear the screams n e more,
make use of the shivers and silence,
its all for you my dear.
I set it off, there is no one to hurt you now,
their blood spilt in honor of you.
There is just one soul left to take now,
so u can forever live happily,
just remember those midnight dances,
and heart warming romances,
ill see you on the other side.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, November 8th, 2003
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i dont even know who i am n e more. I went to sleep one night hating those guys that treat girls like shit, knowing that i would never be one of them. All i was looking for was someone to give this love that i feel that i have inside me. and for once recieve it as well. When i opened my eyes the next morning, i had become one of them, i had found that special someone, i hurt her over and over again, now i sit here with an intoxicating silence, i dont know what im becoming, ive found that ive changed so much into what i had wished id never be. ive hit a downward spiral, corrupted in so many ways, i dont know who i am n e more, i just wish it would all end. I fear what the next thing i will do, because i honestly dont know what it will be. I feel this pain deep down within where there was at least some sort of security.
I let u go, and it feels uve already forgotten, when i tried to call u it felt as if it were a surprise to u that i still existed. I just want to make something real of what is flowing in between us. it really is the most magical thing ive experienced, ive just feel that u were lying to me about being with ur "friend" over there. I know im not one to lie, it kills me that much more to know that this is truely all my fault, even if u say u made some mistakes too, this would have never happened if i hadnt fucked up from the beginning. Im glad that u seem to be feeling better, all i want is for you to be happy. If u think ull get over all of this with time, then dont bother calling, im not worth the time. Im sorry for everything ive put you through, i just wish i could fix it. i never chose n e one over you, thats how u seemed to take it. i need to stop this i guess. and let u forget, dont ever forgive me, i just need to get a life. i cant even think straight.
All i want is to know who i am n e more. </3
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Friday, November 7th, 2003
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ive been going crazy, but for the first time im my life i know the reason this time. I let a very very special person go, and i keep feeling ive ruined my life....again. Maybe its just the flu that ive got, but i got the worst feeling in my stomach. You know who you are, i miss you </3 and i wanna talk.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Monday, November 3rd, 2003
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yep im no longer a teenager. Everyone give me lots of presents and ill love you forever <3. jk so i saw afi on thursday and sunday, two amazing shows all thanx to my good friend vanessa <3 thank you so much babe ur the greatest. nuthing else really to say. some bad stuff happened to my best friend. i hope ur doing ok babe, i miss you, u know who u are. <333.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, October 30th, 2003
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...forever i worship, ill kill, love, and hate for all of you. Thank you for the best part of my life.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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been a while since i updated....um lets see whats up. i got my lip pierced, sexy eh? and im going to see AFI tonight at the ampitheater and im seeing afi and avenged on sunday in at UCI, and my bday is on monday....im not a teenager n e more WOOOO! what else. Havent been in the best mood lately, dunno why. just feel like im going crazy and my life is at a stand still. I just want to play music samn it. welp, thats it for now. Ill come back and tell you how the show was tonight. peas all. <3
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, October 4th, 2003
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yea, i got my third tat yesterday at 2 am, it took about 2 hrs and then me and brian went to denny's so good. I got a purple rose on my right elbow, the feeling was um..."magical"??? in its own painful sort of way. Jk it didnt hurt too bad. Um nuthing else interesting has happened really, just been going to school, and work is going down hill, vons is most likely going on strike next week haha, sounds funny yes, but it means matt doesnt get money, i will get paid 20bucks a day just to stand and picket outside the store for 4 hrs, thats buuuulllllshhhhit if u ask me. So if u know a place that is hiring, pleeeeaaaseee tell me. Spank you very much. <3
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, September 17th, 2003
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one thousand screamed blood red,
the energy so fulfilling,
a soul, one thousand times dead.
may i have this dance my dear?
we will fall in love,
we will kiss and hug,
we will make love,
we will break each others hearts.
in the end there will still be these scars,
the words i love you made a canvas of these wrists.
the blood softly craddles me, im my final bed.
One thousand sorries to you my love,
im sorry i lost my head.
you live your life on that other side where u are now,
and im left here waiting, hoping.......will you even return?
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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so im super tired right now and i have no idea why. Today was not too good, i went to school, and didnt have my math homework because im an idiot, i locked my keys in my car and had to get a ride to my moms work for the spare key, annnnd had a spat with a close friend. PRETTY GOOD DAY HUH??? so onto other stuff.....i got two tattoos on the backs of my arms. i love em. stars blue with water on the right arm, and stars red and black with fire on the left. My themed sleeves have been started :)
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Sunday, September 7th, 2003
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update my journal that is. its been awhile. welp, not much has happened lately. i started scholl fuckin finally, so im not a loser n e more. so to speak. my life is sorta at a halt, a routine that i really hope i can get out of: work, school, work, sleep, work, sleep.....very fun indeed. but thats ok because norma jean is on friziday! i cant wait, i havent seen dean forever, i miss the fucker, whenever i call he has to do stuff, ill see him fer sure friday because we are gunna go off at norma jean, much stage diving. and afi is right around the corner. i learned that Davey and jade are started an electonica band called "Blaqk Audio" and i really cant wait to hear that shit. nuthin left to talk about now. peeeeeez/.
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Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
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Sunday, August 24th, 2003
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i look upon these cracks,
the life slowly seeping out,
a porous surface this heart has become.
pour salt on these wounds,
this body is dry and numb,
the whisper of a soft love poem
is the only sign it's among the living.
lost and alone,
i return to you once again,
sweet metallic and glass,
what does lie within.
gaze into these eyes,
so strange and nearly dead,
a single sparkle does shine,
illuminating until this heart's end.
inside there is a reflection,
love's eyes staring back at me,
the only hope that remains,
the love that i do hold for thee.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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moshball in the best buy porking lot at 1 am was fucking sweet. got rolled by ghetto bird tho. but they didnt care and the game commenced. way too much fun hanging with the gang again. "the thunder" is INSANE. there is a light post in the parking lot that shockes the hell out of you. we got inna big circle and all held hands and then the last person has to grab to pole. FUCKS YOU UP. then we all went and chilled at bens house.
i wish i could have seen jen tonight, i love her so much<333 everyday that im not with her i think about her about every five seconds. its like that theory about men thinking about sex every five seconds but better. I wish things werent so "complicated" with us. but at least i still get to chill with her after mistakes ive made. I really appreciate every second i spend with her and i hope she feels that same thing. I wish i could think of something to show her how special she is....(ponders)
cant wait for norma jean sept 12 i loved that band first time i saw em, gunna tear up the dancefloor....oh yea.
and afi is one month from tomorrow...err...today!!!!!!! me chris and dean are going and marc is gunna try to scalp a ticket or sneak in or sumthin. hope he doesnt get stuck sitting alone in the parking lot.<3 that is all for today. love for everyone. even the kid that pissed on the moshball. </3
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Saturday, August 16th, 2003
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i just got home from chillin with matt castle and i almost died on the 405 on the way home. There was a big accident like a 2 rows of cars in front of me and everyone slammed on their brakes and i barely stopped in time, skidding an inch to the side of the car in front of me when my brakes locked up and i could smell my tire burning.....soooo scary.
too minutes down the freeway after i left the accident i saw a guy who ran his car off the side of the freeway and into the bushes, cops got his ass.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, August 14th, 2003
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| Time: | 10:54 pm. |
| Mood: |  discontent. | | Music: | lilacs and lolita - from autumn to ashes. |
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wish i knew what to do. jen ended things with me not too long ago. im not in the best mood right now. i love that girl and the reason we arent together now is because i fucked up a while back. i dont feel like getting into that. It seems everything in my life thats good gets fucked up by me doing something remarkable foolish and then i regret it forever. I wish the feelings would just stop. i seem to cause more hurt for myself than happiness. I dont blame jen whatsoever tho. she did what she needed to do. She says that she couldnt ever be with me because of the mistakes ive made in the past and that she can see herself being happy with her current or ex boyfriend whatever they are now at this point. I just wish for her happiness above n e thing else. she means everything to me even if i dont get to be with her. i know she loves me and i hope she knows that i love her. And i really hope that this will pass very soon so that we can still be the best of friends.
jen i love you and i hope that your decision makes you happy. <333
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 2:43 pm. |
| Mood: |  artistic. | | Music: | hopesfall. |
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fallen angel/samarah show was fucking fun last night. Extreme ADD tho between bands. vollyball with empty water bottles and magazines was extremely fun. and random people being attacked by the tainted road cone :). fallen angel rock chain once again i always have fun watching my friends do wat they love. sorry im boring but thats all for now. <3
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, August 12th, 2003
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ok good stuff today. woke up early today to get my afi ticket. called dean and had him meet me at tower. but when we got there, found out that the vegas show was sold out :(. so we tried to find out if the fresno show had sold out, and they couldnt find it, and i remembered that ticketmaster isnt selling the tickets to fresno. so i came home and got the tickets online from www.vallitix.com so me and dean are both going :) good times. now i sit here waiting to go to work at 2 am =/ god i hate night crew.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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therearenoflwrs's journal
gloomy.
frustrated.
drained.
stressed.
groggy.